Initially posted on LinkedIn on August 26, 2024:
In June, I celebrated 10 years at Amazon, a milestone signified at Amazon by the change of badge colour from yellow to purple. That’s 3,650 ‘Day Ones’ or roughly 1.5 million minutes of labor. There’s a lot I’ve realized and am appreciative of throughout my decade at Amazon, however as I celebrated this 10-year work anniversary and returned from a 12-week sabbatical final week, I’d prefer to mirror on one thing that isn’t seen on this image.
Too typically we see the seen accomplishments (like a serious product launch, a promotion or touchdown a brand new job, or a piece anniversary milestone) whereas we don’t see or hear in regards to the challenges we face alongside the way in which (for me, that was burnout, nervousness, and melancholy). I’m glad to see that searching for assist for and sharing about our psychological well being is changing into extra normalized, even within the office. So, I’m sharing a part of my story in navigating my profession whereas coping with psychological well being points within the hopes that it helps others not really feel like they’re alone in feeling this manner.
“Anxious” and “drained.” These are the 2 phrases I’d use to explain my state at first of the summer time as I began my sabbatical.
From an out of doors perspective, success in my profession might be seen in a pair methods: three stage promotions, constructed out a profitable and succesful crew, acquired constructive recognition and suggestions from my crew and management, celebrating 10 years at Amazon, and doing what I had aspired to do for some time. However these successes got here at a value to my well being. Due to how I didn’t hearken to and care for my thoughts and physique, I had fixed complications, nervousness assaults, problem sleeping, abdomen issues, a depressed temper, and an general lack of power. At first, I attempted what I’ve at all times executed: grit my tooth, hunkered down, and simply tried to push by way of. Why not do this? It was what labored for me previously. However final 12 months it was totally different; this time I actually wanted to take a step again.
What I didn’t understand is that success doesn’t have to return at this price. I used to be so impatient to realize my objectives that I at all times stored myself busy and barely paused to relaxation. Preserving busy was a coping mechanism I inadvertently acquired sooner or later over time. I didn’t even understand that it had helped to cover the nervousness and melancholy I had increase beneath the floor however hadn’t absolutely handled. However, after years of expertise in doing it, I stored prioritizing work and achievement over taking good care of myself.
By late final 12 months, my nervousness and melancholy have been compounded by burnout — a trifecta that my prior (ineffective) coping expertise weren’t geared up to deal with. I didn’t decide up on the indicators of simply how a lot of my power battery had been drained till it was absolutely depleted and wanted recharging. I didn’t really feel like myself, I prevented doing issues I used to get pleasure from, and I felt disconnected from my physique. Mentally, I knew I wasn’t in a very good state, however I believed all I wanted to do was hold making an attempt to push by way of it, simply at a slower tempo and by doing extra of what I believed have been “self-care issues” like getting massages, taking a pair days off, and treating myself to that additional dessert or glass of wine. It appears foolish for me to even level it out, however I realized that you could’t outrun or “deal with your self” out of hysteria, melancholy, or burnout.
Does a few of that sound like one thing acquainted to what you’ve felt earlier than?
It’s sadly all-too-common immediately for us to put an emphasis on going, going, going and doing, doing, doing. I got here throughout a research lately that indicated that 4 out of 5 faculty college students measured their self-worth by their educational achievement. For many of my life, I’ve additionally used achievement as a measurement for inner worth and self-worth. As Brené Brown phrases it, I’d describe myself as a “recovering perfectionist and workaholic” — somebody regularly engaged on letting go of reaching the best ranges of feat in all the pieces I do from getting the highest grades in class, to making an attempt to run as many marathons as quick as I might, to reaching all my objectives and getting the most effective efficiency evaluations at work. I aimed to at all times be seen as the highest achiever and hardest employee. If I fell wanting what I believed was my finest, my interior critic would disgrace me into feeling dangerous about myself.
Late final 12 months, I made a decision I wanted to do one thing otherwise and I started to essentially care for myself. I began prioritizing getting the correct amount of sleep, was extra in line with exercising and maintaining a healthy diet, and started researching extra about the right way to navigate my psychological well being points. I additionally set boundaries round work (ones that I had by no means wanted to set earlier than), like once I would examine work electronic mail and messages, what number of hours I’d work in per week, and saying “no” to extra work tasks. I finally went again to remedy, which actually helped me to solidify self-care practices I used to be simply beginning and to start to make paradigm shifts in my beliefs on achievement, relaxation, and self-worth.
After about 6 months of ups and downs whereas placing within the self-care work, I made a decision that I wanted to take it a step additional and take some prolonged break day from work to pause, mirror, and recharge. Nothing shiny or thrilling like touring the world — simply getting snug, calm, and wholesome in my very own pores and skin once more. So, as I used to be about to achieve my 10-year work anniversary milestone in June, I started a 12-week sabbatical that ended final week.
After I informed individuals of my plans to take a sabbatical, probably the most frequent questions I used to be requested have been, “What’s your plan for the way you’ll use your break day?” or “So, are you going to journey the world?” or “What large issues are you wanting ahead to doing most?” Whereas these questions have been after all well-intentioned, I might really feel the nervousness construct as I had already grappled with asking myself the identical questions. The necessity to “obtain” or benefit from my sabbatical was so palpable. As a lot as I had regarded ahead to this reset, I additionally suspected that reaching some extent of consolation within the stillness of taking break day would doubtless be probably the most troublesome half, due to how overseas it was to me. I finally practiced saying (and believing) what I knew I needed to do: “Truly, I’m going to deliberately attempt to do nothing…which, will probably be actually troublesome for me.”
My sabbatical offered me with a much-needed stability of relaxation, play, and reflection. Regardless of that, I gained’t say that every one of that was simple although — I needed to hold placing within the work to care for myself, get snug with not orienting my days round achievement (even simply checking off little issues on my to do listing round the home), and study to calm the interior self-critic. Whereas I’ve realized lots about myself throughout my sabbatical particularly and within the final 12 months usually, my journey on cultivating calm and discovering magnificence and luxury within the stillness is ongoing. Fairly actually, it should almost certainly be a lifelong journey.
As I began again at work final week, the 2 phrases to explain my state have been “reinvigorated” and “optimistic.” I’m taking with me new self-care practices to assist me; considered one of my favorites is my new morning routine: no display screen time for the primary half-hour after waking up, stretching earlier than breakfast, and taking an extended morning stroll earlier than I get the day began. These self-care practices have helped to convey stability and perspective to my life and I feel will assist me even be a greater worker and supervisor by giving my mind the house and relaxation it wants.
Within the coming weeks and months, I plan to share extra about what I’ve realized on my psychological well being journey to assist obtain stability in and outdoors of labor, within the hope that it helps others who could also be navigating comparable paths.
