Have you ever been in a situation where you thought you were speaking your mind in a clear and concise way, but suddenly someone is telling you you’re being rude? You never intended to come off that way, so what went wrong?
The truth is, there is a fine line between direct and rude communication styles, and that same statement you just made can be seen as direct or rude depending on many factors, including culture, context, nonverbal cues, and neurotype. Interpreting a direct statement as rude can lead to conflict and miscommunication. When two people have different communication styles, their perceptions can differ, causing direct communication to be perceived as rudeness.
As a psychologist, I often hear from clients about how they are perceived as rude when they are trying to be direct or assertive. Additionally, as an autistic person, I have had my share of experiences being perceived as rude when I am simply trying to express myself.
By learning more about direct communication styles, we can extend grace to those who are misperceived as rude. We can avoid miscommunication related to tone and perception that do not match intent.
I like to say that every conversation is actually three conversations: What was said, what was meant, and what was heard. We can make those three conversations more consistent by better understanding how directness can be misperceived as rudeness.
Directness and Rudeness
Direct communication refers to when someone says exactly what they mean, often without hedging, sugarcoating, or beating around the bush. Direct communicators are straight-to-the-point, open, and honest. At the same time, they can be blunt, which can come across as harsh. Rude communication occurs when someone is insulting or impolite.
When a direct communicator gets straight to the point or is “brutally” honest, they can be perceived as rude. Experience and internalized bias can impact whether we perceive someone as rude versus direct.
For instance, research about patient perceptions of healthcare providers’ communication style shows that women are more likely to be perceived as rude, while men are perceived as direct. Black women are especially at risk for accusations of rudeness.
Direct communicators can also struggle to understand indirect communication. Someone who is used to simply saying what you mean might not pick up on indirect cues or hints. This can further cause frustration when someone who is less direct thinks that they are being ignored when the direct communicator simply does not understand what they are hinting at.
By understanding how our internalized biases color our perceptions of other people’s intents, we can both understand and respond to direct communication in more effective ways.
Intent Versus Perception
There are times when intent is not relevant. For instance, if someone is outright insulting or harmful in their communication, this is objectively rude rather than simply direct. At the same time, exclusively focusing on how communication is perceived rather than how it is intended can be even more harmful than rude communication.
Tone Policing isn’t helpful
Tone policing refers to emphasizing someone’s communication style over the message they are trying to convey. For instance, as noted in the previous section, Black women are accused of rudeness at a higher rate than men and white people. This tone policing aims to silence someone from calling out systemic harm. When someone is accused of being rude, it is easier to ignore their message.
Tone policing refers to emphasizing someone’s communication style over the message they are trying to convey. For instance, as noted in the previous section, Black women are accused of rudeness at a higher rate than men and white people. This tone policing aims to silence someone from calling out systemic harm. When someone is accused of being rude, it is easier to ignore their message.
Neurotype (referring to someone being neurodivergent or neurotypical) also impacts communication style and how someone is perceived. Many autistic people in particular experience accusations of rudeness when we are simply trying to be honest due to different expectations around social behaviors and nonverbal communication.
Shiri Bailem, an autistic adult, shared: “They [neurotypical people] mostly consider us rude because they operate on a social hierarchy as identity as opposed to us operating on values. When we refuse to participate in their various social jockeying behaviors it’s interpreted as us perceiving them to be beneath us. They literally can’t imagine that someone would refuse to engage in that way for any other reason than to be condescending and dismissive.”
When someone’s communication style seems rude, focus on the underlying message rather than the intent behind their words. Are they relaying useful information but doing so in a way that does not match what you are used to? If yes, consider what you can learn rather than getting lost in your perception over their intent.
What’s Your Communication Style? Take the Quiz and Find Out
Communication is one of the most essential components of any interpersonal relationship, it allows us to feel both seen and heard in our lives. If you want to know what your communication style is, take this free quiz and find out!
Benefits of Directness
Direct communication is certainly beneficial for many reasons:
- When someone is direct, you know exactly what to expect, what they are trying to tell you, and what they want from you. There is little or no guesswork.
- When we can accept that someone is direct and not rude, it builds trust. We can believe them when they say something and do not have to worry about secret intentions.
- Direct communication is efficient. We do not need to waste time hedging and avoiding the topic at hand.
- Direct communication is less ambiguous and prevents misunderstandings when it is perceived as direct rather than rude.
- Embracing direct communication can allow for better relationships with people who are misperceived as “rude” when they are being direct.
Consequences of Rudeness
Those who are perceived as rude, whether intentional or not, face social, professional, and personal consequences, including:
- Ostracization from others who do not want to interact with someone they see as rude.
- Being turned down for promotions or other professional opportunities due to their communication style.
- Losing jobs if the rude behavior is deemed severe enough to warrant termination.
- Frequent interpersonal conflicts.
How to Be Direct (And Not Rude)
It is important to note that tone policing and prejudices that lead to directness being labeled as rudeness are not the fault of the so-called “rude” individual. Blaming someone who experiences systemic harm for how someone perceives their communication is unproductive and unhelpful.
With this said, those who want to tweak their communication style to be less rude, or those who in fact tend towards insulting and brash communication style can use these tips to lean more towards directness and away from rudeness:
- Say what you mean, and be both clear and concise. What information are you trying to relay? Share that without adding fluff or repeating yourself.
- Stick to facts. Do not add your opinion or additional thoughts on the matter.
- Avoid insulting language. It is not direct to curse at someone. This will almost always be considered rude.
- Ask for clarification. Make sure that you understand what you are responding to in order to avoid miscommunication.
- Use “I” statements, which clarify that you are speaking to your own perception and experience.
Keep in Mind
Bias and prejudice can cause direct behavior to be misperceived as rude. Our interpretation of someone’s communication is influenced by culture, neurotype, and identity factors. Being mindful of these biases can streamline communication and prevent mislabeling direct communication as rude.
Additionally, those who might be more abrasive in their communication style can work to be direct without crossing into rudeness.
:max_bytes(150000):strip_icc()/HeadShot2-0e5cbea92b2948a1a2013271d90c2d1f.jpg)
