I’ve mastered the artwork of loving somebody in silence. I’ve spent a lot time perfecting it that it appears like second nature now, as if it’s the one manner I understand how to like. However even in my quiet devotion, I can’t assist however surprise: What if I informed you ways I really felt? Would the universe conspire to carry us nearer, permitting the 27 bones in my palms to intertwine with yours, holding onto you as for those who had been my lifeline? Or would my palms tremble as yours pushed them away, leaving me to assemble the damaged items of what may have been?
I as soon as learn a touch upon TikTok that stated, “The extra you retain your emotions hidden, the extra they develop, and also you’ll fall even more durable for them.” It struck a chord so deep inside me that I can’t overlook it. It’s painfully true. The extra I attempt to suppress these emotions, the stronger they turn into. You’re like gravity — an invisible pressure pulling me towards you, regardless of how arduous I strive to withstand. The extra I deny it, the more durable I fall, over and over, as if loving you is a legislation of nature I can not defy.
There are moments after I really feel an awesome urge to let you know. The phrases construct up inside me like a tidal wave, threatening to spill over. However I maintain them again. I swallow my confessions and as a substitute pour them into phrases — into pages of my diary, notes in my cellphone, and the articles I write. Virtually the whole lot I’ve written is about you. You’re in each sentence, each metaphor, each unwritten line lingering in my head.
It’s ironic, isn’t it? I can share my emotions with the world — let strangers learn in regards to the depth of my love, the burden of my silence — however I can’t share them with you. Of all of the folks, you’re the one individual I by no means wish to see these phrases. It’s not as a result of I don’t need you to know; it’s as a result of I’m scared of what your realizing would possibly do. What if it modifications the whole lot? What if it doesn’t?
And possibly, if I had even half the braveness it takes to hold these emotions inside me day-after-day with out breaking, I may lastly let you know. Possibly I may stand earlier than you, look into your eyes, and let the phrases escape my trembling lips as a substitute of letting them hang-out the empty pages of my diary. However the reality is, I don’t know if my coronary heart is powerful sufficient to outlive what would possibly come after.
As a result of telling you isn’t nearly confessing. It’s about handing you probably the most fragile elements of me — the hopes, the goals, the quiet longing I’ve nurtured in silence for therefore lengthy. It’s about risking the whole lot I’ve held shut, realizing there’s an opportunity you may not really feel the identical. And I don’t know if I can bear the considered your eyes, the identical ones I’ve memorized and admired, taking a look at me with pity — or worse, indifference.
Nonetheless, I ponder, what if? What if my braveness outweighed my concern? What if I informed you, and your palms didn’t push mine away however held onto them simply as tightly? What if all of the phrases I’ve written about you weren’t simply an echo of my unstated love however the starting of one thing actual?
However for now, that’s all it’s — a “what if.” A fragile dream I carry with me, near my chest, the place nobody else can see. And so, as a substitute of talking, I write. I write as a result of phrases really feel safer on paper than spoken aloud. I write as a result of I don’t should face your response. I write as a result of it’s the one manner I understand how to like you with out falling aside.
However I additionally write as a result of part of me hopes — hopes that sooner or later, you’ll bump into these phrases, even when I by no means supposed you to. That you just’ll learn between the traces and perceive what I may by no means say out loud. That possibly, simply possibly, you’ll notice these phrases have at all times been for you, even when my lips by no means dared to utter them.
And on that day, maybe I received’t want braveness, since you’ll already know. And possibly, simply possibly, you’ll really feel the identical manner too.
