I Tried Saying “No” to Every little thing for a Week, By a Individuals Pleaser

If there’s one phrase that I wrestle to say, it’s “no.” I’ve constructed a life round being accommodating. Want an additional set of arms on a piece undertaking? I’m your lady. Can’t discover somebody to assist with last-minute plans? You’ll be able to depend on me.

There’s nothing fallacious with serving to folks, in fact. However I’d began to note that my “sure” reflex was leaving me burnt out and feeling resentful.  

So when my editor popped into my inbox asking if I’d experiment with saying “no” to all the things for per week, numerous emotions cropped up for me. On the one hand, the thought gave me abdomen pains. However, I imagined it’d be an ideal excuse to prioritize myself for per week (as a result of, sure, I wanted an excuse). 

So I stated “sure” to the task—and stated “no” to all the things else for that week. (At the very least, I refused all the things that didn’t align with my wants, priorities, or values.) 

Right here’s what occurred.  

Why Is It So Laborious To Say No?

I’m not a textbook folks pleaser—I may be grumpy, blunt, and headstrong. However I usually comply with do issues I don’t need to do as a result of I’m afraid of battle and rejection. Traditional people-pleasing habits, proper?

“Usually talking, people-pleasing develops from a deep eager for validation and acceptance,” says Jessica Hunt, LCSW. “It’s a coping mechanism from rising up in environments the place love or security felt conditional and acceptance was earned by being agreeable, useful, or compliant.” 

If that description appears like a private assault, you’re not alone. Hunt says that many individuals study that self-sacrifice is an efficient factor. “This finally results in prioritizing others’ wants over their very own out of concern of battle or rejection,” she says.  

For some folks, people-pleasing is a trauma response. Many revert to “fawning” or people-pleasing once they really feel unsafe. 

Past feeling rejected, one of many the reason why I discover it arduous to say “no” is as a result of I genuinely can’t inform whether or not I’m being callous or not. 

So, I requested Maria Ross, an empathy advocate and writer, inform the distinction between being empathetic and people-pleasing. 

She gave me a useful perspective: that people-pleasing doesn’t usually come from empathy, however from a spot of concern. “While you default to people-pleasing, that’s not empathy, It is submission,” Ross says. “It is about your individual wants and wishes to really feel good.”

“When others make an ask of us, we regularly react instantly from our personal wants, whether or not we instantly say no as a result of we’re harassed and busy or instantly say sure as a result of we need to make the opposite particular person completely satisfied,” Ross says. In different phrases, after we people-please, we’re nonetheless appearing primarily based on our personal wishes. 

However, empathy is about contemplating one other particular person’s perspective. Ross advises that there’s a compassionate, empathetic solution to maintain boundaries.  

So, with that in thoughts, I obtained caught into my experiment. 

Day 1: The Work E mail

The primary check of my “no” experiment got here earlier than I’d even completed my morning espresso. A shopper emailed asking if I may assist tackle a further copywriting undertaking with a decent deadline. 

Usually, I’d agree instantly and work out cope with the stress later. However right now, I hesitated. Did I actually need to do it? Or was I saying sure out of behavior?

“Use the pause to verify in together with your bodily and emotional reactions,” Hunt says. “Ask your self, ‘Does this really feel real and genuine, or does it really feel like one thing I ought to need?’”

If I felt excited concerning the task, I would’ve squeezed it into my schedule—however after pausing, I spotted the subject material was simply not my vibe.

“Thanks for pondering of me,” I replied, “however I don’t have the bandwidth for this undertaking proper now.” I hit ship earlier than I may overthink it.

The outcome? The shopper was fully understanding, and so they discovered one other copywriter to assist with the undertaking. I felt a jolt of satisfaction—and aid. Possibly saying “no” wouldn’t be so unhealthy in spite of everything. 

Day 2: Household Favors

A textual content from a relative was my subsequent problem. She was job-hunting and needed assist making a resumé.

Normally, I wouldn’t thoughts serving to—however I had a bunch of issues on my plate. I briefly thought of doing it on my lunch break or after work, once I was meant to be finding out for a course I used to be taking. 

I texted her again and defined I wouldn’t get an opportunity to assist along with her resume till the next week. I additionally wished her luck in her job search. She fully understood. Win!

One thing I stated sure to, although? Grabbing pizza and watching a film with my associate and associates that night. I spotted that, if I’d stated sure to serving to my relative, I’d have needed to say no to this much-needed high quality time.

Day 3: Social Pressures

On Wednesday, a good friend requested if I needed to make plans for the weekend. 

I usually take pleasure in having social engagements on the weekends. I’m a community-oriented particular person, and my friendships imply rather a lot to me. I used to be additionally hesitant to say no to them as a result of it’s a comparatively new friendship—whereas I really feel extra snug asserting boundaries with my closest associates, I fear about making new associates really feel rejected or undesirable. 

However I had my ultimate yoga instructor coaching practicals on the weekend, which meant I’d be bodily and emotionally drained. I knew that if I agreed to a dinner, I’d both cancel on the day or I’d really feel too drained and nervous to completely take pleasure in it.  

I thanked them for the invite however defined that I needed to focus all my consideration on my yoga course. To my shock, they weren’t simply understanding—they had been tremendous excited for me. We each agreed to catch up subsequent month. 

I spotted I’d been overthinking folks’s reactions to my boundaries. Saying “no” didn’t make me a nasty good friend; it simply made me an sincere one. 

Day 4: The Stroll

My neighbor and I had plans to do an hour-long stroll on Thursday night. 

I instructed my neighbor I used to be contemplating canceling as I used to be fairly exhausted. She compassionately inspired me to reschedule if I wanted to. It felt nice to get this form of assist from her. 

I reminded myself of my causes for this experiment: to prioritize myself. I used an AI-powered journaling app referred to as Rosebud to assist me decide, and it helped me parse out the professionals and cons. 

Finally, I made a decision to go on the stroll. And I’m glad I did—the dialog, train, and contemporary air did me good.

Day 5: Saying “No” to Myself

On Friday, the problem turned inward. 

I’d been considerably drained all week—which I interpreted as a symptom of burnout.

Because of this, I made a decision to take Friday off work. After sleeping in and hitting the sauna, I felt higher and instantly thought of piling duties on my plate: housekeeping, private admin, and work. 

I knew I wanted extra relaxation, however I additionally felt terribly responsible about not working (which is a matter in itself). 

Ross shared some phrases that I discovered actually useful for this case. “When our personal home is in disarray, we will not make house for different folks’s views with out defensiveness or concern,” she says. “Setting boundaries is an act of self-care as a result of it allows me to function at full capability and be current sufficient to observe empathy when wanted.”

I do know what I’m like once I’m burned out: it’s a horrible expertise for me and people round me. I slack on home chores, I miss deadlines, and I’m method too cranky to be there for my family members. 

The answer right here is self-care. This may be tough if you happen to’re not used to caring for your self, in fact. “I’d invite people to think about true self-care as one thing that energizes your physique, thoughts, and soul,” Ross advises. “What do you have to recharge, reset, take a break, shift your pondering, use a special a part of your mind?”

For me, it was cuddling my canine, doing crafts, and watching Netflix—easy, however soothing. 

Day 6: A Boundary Push

Saturday introduced my greatest problem but: a good friend who wouldn’t take “no” for a solution. They saved urgent me to affix a gaggle exercise, even after I’d politely declined. I discovered myself wavering, tempted to offer in simply to keep away from battle.

However as a substitute, I merely repeated my “no” and adjusted the topic.

I felt horrible, to be sincere, partly as a result of they had been clearly upset with me.  

Day 7: Reflection

By Sunday, I felt empowered.

Saying “no” hadn’t turned me right into a villain, nor had it alienated my family members. I managed to take break day work, focus totally on my yoga instructor coaching, and really feel extra accountable for my time and vitality. And I did that each one with out harming any of my relationships!

That’s to not say there weren’t challenges. Saying “no” may be uncomfortable, particularly if you happen to’re used to over-accommodating. 

However the advantages—lowered stress, elevated self-respect, and a clearer sense of priorities—had been plain. 

Will I Be Saying “No” Extra Usually?

Completely. 

However I’m not going to lie: I don’t suppose saying “no” is a talent I’ve mastered but. It makes me very uncomfortable, and I nonetheless have a way of guilt about Saturday’s interplay. 

“Guilt is frequent when making an attempt one thing new, particularly when it challenges deeply held beliefs,” Hunt suggested. She advises beginning by setting small boundaries to construct up your confidence. “With observe, you’ll begin to internalize that boundaries are about respecting your self, not disrespecting others.”

I’ll want extra observe earlier than I really feel assured. However I believe I’ve made some progress. 

That stated, I’ve additionally discovered to steadiness this newfound assertiveness with flexibility. Not each “sure” is a nasty factor. Typically it’s value saying “sure” to alternatives that align together with your values.

Takeaways

Right here’s what I’ve discovered from this experiment:

• Individuals-pleasing shouldn’t be empathy. “Empathy is a method of being that’s not about sacrificing your individual wants and priorities,” Ross says. “That’s not empathy, that’s submission and acquiescence.”
• Guilt is regular—however non permanent. Studying to set boundaries means difficult previous patterns, which may fire up guilt. Be affected person with your self.
• Boundaries are a type of self-care. As Ross explains, saying “no” protects your emotional vitality and helps you prioritize what issues most.
• Saying “no” can strengthen relationships. Honesty and authenticity usually result in deeper connections.
• It’s OK to choose your battles. Not each state of affairs requires a “no.” Give attention to saying “no” the place it issues most.

If people-pleasing is inflicting you vital stress, it’s a good suggestion to think about talking with a therapist, Hunt says. “Remedy might help you discover and establish these patterns, problem them, and introduce useful instruments like mindfulness workouts, misery tolerance strategies, and self-compassion practices, which may be extremely useful for recurring people-pleasers.”

For folks pleasers like me, I can’t suggest this experiment sufficient. Begin small—say “no” to at least one request this week—and see the way it feels. You may simply uncover that defending your time and vitality is the most effective reward you can provide your self.